I walked by the mirror the other day. And I smiled. This may seem normal for some people, but for me? Hell naw. And I was hardly clothed, mind you, which is largely what made this pretty much a miracle.
Brian and I now sleep with the bedroom windows closed—you may recall our neighbor whose snoring rivals a lawn mower—so it gets a little stuffy sometimes. I often wake up wearing half of what I went to bed in the night before, and on this particular morning I had stumbled out of bed in a pair of boy-cut underwear, my—Brian’s—over-sized t-shirt in a wad on the floor.
On my way back from the bathroom to hop back in bed for one more “snooze” on my alarm, I catch my eye in the mirror. I do a sleepy, unconscious, one-eyed scan of my nearly naked body, and there it was: THAT SMILE. Ya know that moment when you first realize you’ve fallen in love with someone, that unexpected wave of knowingness? That’s what this felt like. LOVE.
Moments later—and please don’t ask me what compelled me to do this because I seriously couldn’t tell you—I suddenly and unexpectedly start to…dance. And I just watch myself move in the mirror. And I keep smiling. I am in awe as I witness this majestic figure freely and wildly dancing in front of me.
She is hard and soft, gentle and fierce, perfect and imperfect. Did I mention imperfect? I mean there was jiggling, and sagging, and I was pretty much rockin’ Doc Brown’s ‘do from the Back to the Future trilogy. (My very fine hair does some very crazy things!) Yet, and I kid you not, I had never seen her more beautiful.
This was a groundbreaking moment for me. I've shared in many posts before about my lifelong battle with self love and body image—sexual abuse, eating disorders, perfectionism, addiction, etc., etc., etc.—and I remember being absolutely overwhelmed by the stories you shared in response. I felt so loved and supported, not weird or different or messed up. So maybe some of you can relate to this, too. And the magnitude of this moment.
As the novelty of my solo dance party wore off, I started to reflect on how I got here, this feeling of freedom, after nearly a lifetime of self-torture. I started thinking about my body and when this new feeling began, a feeling that I hadn’t even realized until that morning in front of the mirror. I’ve spoken of a mirror exercise that I’d done in the past—and still do sometimes—that has really helped me become more loving and accepting of my body, but it had always taken conscious effort to get to that place. Never had it spontaneously come from within like this.
It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t thought about “exercise” or “calories” in, well, I couldn’t even remember when. Another miracle. I have spent most of my life with those two words as hardcore staples of my internal vocabulary, yet they had sort of disappeared. It was almost spooky. I kept digging…
I started mountain biking recently. I’m not even sure why exactly, but it was like a thorn in my side that wouldn’t go away until I finally pulled the trigger and bought a bike. The most biking I had ever done up until that point involved beers and beach cruisers, so this was pretty foreign to me. And not to mention super ballsy as my car-less broke-ass dropped a couple grand on a non-refundable mountain bike that I had only ridden around in circles in the back parking lot of the bike shop. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I’m getting a lot better at listening to my intuition so I just went for it.
And until now, I hadn’t even realized how much it has changed my life.
At first it was humbling—like incredibly humbling. I did not have the strength to go very far, or climb very high, and I was terrified of going around sharp turns. I fell off. I got back on. I got flat tires. I kept going. It was new and different and exciting and challenging. And it still is. But it’s fun. And it kicks my ass in the very best way. And it’s not exercise. Except it is.
Then it hit me. I had stopped exercising…and started having FUN.
Brian and I just recently started surfing together. While he has been besties with his board since last summer, it has been something I’ve wanted to get more into for a long time but never took action. Until I did. And it’s amazing. We’ve only been a couple times together, but it’s just the beginning. And it’s super fun. And it’s not exercise. Except it is.
The more I use my body for what I believe God/Spirit/the Universe created it for—joy, love, creativity, connection—the more I fall in love with it, myself and the people around me. It’s incredible to explore my body as I never have before, experimenting with new ways that it can move about the world without leading me to compare, critique or condemn the very thing that gives me life on this earth.
I get on my bike and feel the wind on my skin and the burn in my legs. I finally make it to the top of that badass climb and fly down dirt hills at lightning speeds. I feel the crisp salt water seep into my wetsuit and in between my toes. My tired arms on fire as I ferociously paddle back out before the next swell swallows me whole. I gaze out over the mountains or across the ocean and am brought to tears by the sheer beauty of this life. And when I get home I feel tired, sore, energized, fueled, connected, confident, creative, excited, LOVED.
I now get out there and do not what burns the most calories, but what makes me come alive.
I spent so much of my life in the gym. And let me tell you, the gym does not make me come alive. Counting calories does not make me come alive. For some it does, and that’s awesome. But it’s not in integrity with who I am, and so it will never work for me….even if it works for someone else.
Nature. Spirit. Sun. Sand. Dirt. Water. Speed. Sweat. Whole, fresh, healthy foods in whatever quantities make my tummy feel good, and give me the strength and stamina to HAVE FUN. Rest when I need it. Eat sweets and snacks when I want to as long as I don’t overdo it. But sometimes I do, and that’s OK too. Our bodies have all the answers if only we would listen to them, learn from them and love them.
My body is changing all the time. And yours is, too. They always have and they always will. But what if we love them instead of hate them? What if we take them on fun adventures instead of hiding at home wishing they looked different? What if we are grateful for what they do and not how they look? What if that is what needs to change, not their size or shape?!
So hey. If you’re struggling in this area, take a hard look at what you're doing to be “healthy,” to be “fit,” to “take care” of yourself. Does it bring you joy? Do you feel free? Is it…fun? If not, drop it like it’s hot and ask yourself this: What makes you come alive?
And if you don’t know…even better!! Start brainstorming, exploring, experimenting, expanding your normal routine and try some fun, new activities. For you it might not be mountain biking. It might be hiking! Or power walks on the beach at sunrise. Maybe you love nature and animals and it’s time to take your dog on more adventures! Love water? How about swimming?! Or surfing! Perhaps you used to play soccer and it’s time to grab a buddy and find a local adult league. Or maybe you truly do love the gym and managing your macros is your total jam—ROCK ON!
There is no judgment, no better or worse, no right or wrong. All that matters is what makes YOU happy…what makes you FREE.
And only then, my friend, will you have a killer body regardless of what it looks like. Why? Because you will see that it can do things—magnificent things—like dance around in front of the mirror in your underwear.
Slap Slap, Jiggle Jiggle
