I’m a hypocrite. And it’s time to be f*cking honest about it.
I haven’t written a blog post since December. It has said “PORN” in giant capital letters on the homepage of my website for over three months now, because that’s the last one I wrote. Three months ago.
I don’t for a second think that anyone has missed me or anything (I’m fully aware that my 50-subscriber blog isn’t changing the world), but being that prior to now I had been pretty consistent with it, I have to ask myself the question: Why? Why have I stopped writing?
Here are the reasons I have told myself (because my ego is super creative):
1. I am too busy. (For the record, I work mostly part-time, and prior to recently giving up TV, I had been putting my Netflix account to embarrassingly good use.)
2. No one cares. (First and foremost, I started my blog for me and my own self-discovery, so this makes zero sense.)
3. I don’t have anything positive to say. (Yeah, so? My entire blog has been one giant hot mess and nothing has ever stopped me before.)
4. I need to protect Brian, so I can’t share about what is going on in our relationship. (Ummm… I pretty much blasted his porn habits to my entire network back in December, and it was basically his idea. So yeah, bullshit.)
The list goes on and on and gets more and more pathetic, so I’ll spare you.
You want the real reasons? Here goes…
Life is f*cking hard right now and I feel incredibly vulnerable. I’m afraid to put down on paper what I’m really going through because that makes it real. And then people will know. You will know.
You will know that I’m 34 years old and I am making less money than I did when I got my first job right out of college. And my ego hates that with a passion. You will know that my relationship has been so hard the past few months that I have no idea if I’ll be alone again come summertime. And that hurts so badly. You will know that I’ve started to get insecure about my body again because I’ve been stress eating and it shows. And I feel deeply ashamed of my vanity. You will know that I’m downright struggling. And struggling is not my strong suit.
I often write after I have an ah-ha moment, a moment of clarity, or when I get to the light at the end of the tunnel. You know, that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing. That’s my comfort zone. I was struggling but here’s what I know now that life is pretty awesome again, or at least now that I’ve found the humor in it while I continue to work through it. But writing about, sharing, exposing my vulnerability when I’m in it—deep in it—and ever so slowly navigating my way out of that dark tunnel? That’s scary. That’s vulnerability. And that is why I am a hypocrite.
For some reason I felt called to go back and read the “About me” section on my website. Why did I start writing—and sharing it—in the first place? After I got past my ranting and raving about my camel toe (don’t worry, my sense of humor baffles even me sometimes), something stood out to me. I wrote:
“I share experiences from my life—experiences that many might not even tell their closest friends—because keeping secrets almost killed me. I NEVER WANT ANYONE TO EVER FEEL AS ALONE AS I DID.”
I meant that. And I mean that. So here I am. Calling myself out and coming clean to you—and to me. No more secrets. My name is Jamie and I am going through a really hard f*cking time. And you are not alone if you are too. I will never turn my back on you again. (I’m pretty sure I’m talking to both of us here.)
So today. Right now. No jokes. Just me. Sitting at my desk. Writing this blog. Pajamas. Unshowered. No makeup. No filter. Wrinkles. Weight gain. Bare-naked. And a whole lot of unconditional love... for YOU.
You are never alone. And I am not either.
Barenaked Jamie
