I am proud to report that I am no longer screaming, crying and fighting to get out of bed (#lifegoals)! I started hiking and meditating again and am using my “inside voice.” Phew…that was a rough one. While I would have reeeaally liked to blame my meltdown on the full moon or that damn monthly visitor that really f*cks with my head, it turns out I had a pretty big part in it. Shock of all shocks.
Brené Brown often references the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow when talking about those key moments when we are faced with important choices that can change the course of our lives. Choices that can seem almost insignificant at the time yet can impact us in ways beyond belief. In the movie, that “sliding door” moment is in my opinion more by chance—she makes/misses the subway—but in real life, I believe we play a much bigger role.
After unpacking my CRAZY few days with my life coach (seeing a theme here?), it all came down to one “small” decision that changed the course of my weekend, my own “sliding door” moment. Remember my fight with the BF that I tried to blame my crazy on? It wasn’t his fault of course, but that conversation was most definitely the catalyst for the mess that followed. And without getting into too much detail, let’s just say it all started with one small (and in retrospect—HUGE) decision to betray my intuition. And then... Game over. TOR-NA-DO.
For a long time I didn’t know what intuition was. I mean, of course I understood it by definition, but I had some major expectations for what it would actually feel like. I seriously thought I just didn’t really have this “gift.” Sure I felt good about things and not so good about others, but those were just “hunches” of course. Intuition was a soul-shaking, earth-shattering, sun beams-out-of-my-eyes, clear-cut message from God. I was sure it was nothing short of a neon sign behind my third eye. Ummmmm…yea, no. Well not for me at least.
Now, I had intuition, I just didn’t know what it was. For most of my life it was an obscure “feeling” I had sometimes. Maybe a second thought. My routine indecision. A super subtle yet noticeable wave of something in my body. And often times it was fleeting, never to be seen again if I didn’t honor it at that moment. Since these were just random sensations and not my intuition, or so I thought, I had to live and learn. And ohhhh boy did I learn.
After a few very intense rounds of interviews for a job I was super interested in, I was blown off (or so it felt) for months afterward because they were very “busy” and blah blah blah. In the meantime, I had received and accepted another job offer, and that very same day I got a call back about the other position. After a brief meeting they offered me the job on the spot. I said I needed some time to think about it, but no, they needed an answer now…after I had waited months. It felt icky. I felt bullied. But it was a local (the other was in LA) massive company with great benefits and paid almost $20,000 more than my job prior. I took the job.
I was miserable for four months. And then after yet another raging, manic outburst from my total and complete jerk of a boss, I gave him my two-weeks notice—and a calm, yet very serious piece of my mind—and was asked by HR to leave later that day because he basically didn’t want to look at me anymore. I cried for weeks after that. It felt really good to stand up for myself, but I had never been asked to leave a job before. And I really don’t like when people don’t like me (still working on that).
A few years later, I took another job because I didn’t listen to that can’t-be-intuition sensation in my body. Thankfully, there was no raging lunatic involved (ish), but the pain was no less. I spent two years with a boyfriend who treated me like shit and who I had a “feeling” was cheating on me but didn’t know for sure. Now I never actually found out, but he was. Of course he was. There were other jobs and other relationships, and about a million more examples of choices—big and small—that changed the course of my life. And I suffered for it. Not all of them had me crying in bed for weeks, but all of them chipped away at my self-esteem. My self-worth. My INTEGRITY.
I can’t say that I regret these choices, although I don’t have many fond memories of them, because each one slowly but surely taught me about my intuition—oh thaaaaat’s what that was—and the consequences of ignoring it. I didn’t learn the first time. Or the second time. Or the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. But after betraying that inner voice over and over again, and connecting all those messy dots, I realized that I had intuition all along…I just didn’t know what it felt like. And even though I do now, just look at last weekend. It was clearly time for another reminder. Message. Received.
My intuition has gotten much stronger over the years with my growing spiritual practices, and it’s always much clearer when I have a consistent meditation practice, but it more or less feels the same as it did before. Sometimes loud but usually not. It can be an unsettling feeling, a subtle wave of energy, a mere second thought, a nudge, a tickle. I always thought I was so indecisive, but I was really just incredibly out of touch with my own body. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t listen. I understand that it’s different for each one of us, but intuition doesn’t beat me over the head with a bat. It taps me on the shoulder and then goes on its merry way. And the rest is up to me.
I am a thinker. I like to know why things are the way they are and I like to have explanations for my behavior. But intuition doesn’t work that way and I think that was my problem for so long. Last night my life coach told me that I don’t have to understand my intuition and I definitely don’t have to explain it to anyone else. Love, respect and honor my inner voice. Period. Or pay the price.
Today, when at all possible, I act on every intuitive “nudge” that comes my way, and I continue to be rewarded with the most incredible gifts. If you read my very first blog post “Facebook, Vulnerability & Superheroes,” you know that a loving response to a very vulnerable Facebook post led to a now deep and beautiful friendship between two aspiring self-lovers. My inexplicable move to Washington has taken me on the most incredible personal adventure that I could have ever imagined. A simple “Hi, how are you?” to a gentleman on the ferry led me to one of the most breathtaking hikes I had ever been on.
So say hello to that stranger. Pack up your things and move. Comment on that post. Pick up the phone. Don’t pick up the phone. Say yes. Say no. Say you need more time. Turn down that interesting road that caught your eye. Say goodbye to your partner. Open your heart to a new one. Call the old friend who popped in your mind. Reach out to that person you hardly know but looked sad in your dream last night. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just be aware. Pay attention. Listen. And act accordingly. At the very least it could help you avoid a shame-spiraling tornado, but who knows, it may just bring you some pretty rad miracles.
Poem by Shel Silverstein