I lost my shit again last weekend. It was bad. I really wish all my blog entries didn’t start with a rebound from an emotional shit storm, but unfortunately my life lessons rarely come from the good times. I’m currently reading Jack Kornfield’s A Path with Heart and he references a famous Zen master who described spiritual practice as, “one mistake after another.” And while I don’t necessarily love the word “mistake,” I do love what he’s saying. When we screw up, we learn the lessons. Sooooo. Shit storm it is, I guess. Yay!
I am a “No Thank You/More Please” kinda gal. If it brings me any type of discomfort, pain or sadness, “No thank you!” If it brings me joy, love or just plain fun, “More please!” And that big ol’ space in between of acceptance for life just as it is? Not my strong suit. My instantaneous reaction is to run from pain and run toward joy. Like full-speed. Enter: last week’s shit storm.
My boyfriend—I’m pretty sure his cover has been blown by now, so let’s use his real name—Brian and I have been in a long-distance relationship since I think November-ish. (I am terrible with dates.) For the most part it has been super good for us and has really forced us to work on our communication (since that’s essentially all we have), but it has also come with some major challenges. He works really hard, long hours where he is on the phone quite literally all day long. Being a major introvert, he comes home from work exhausted and craving solitude. What does he not feel like doing? Talking to his girlfriend on the phone. And then there’s me. I spend most of my days more or less alone, am rarely on the phone, and have, like, a lot of energy. And I reeeaaally like to talk. So what do I want to do at the end of Brian’s workday? Talk on the phone, of course! Hmmmmm.
I want to connect. He needs to refuel. I want to feel loved. He loves me, but still needs to refuel. Love, love, love. More, more, more. Shit, shit, shit. Storm, storm, storm. Now I really don’t like the feeling of wanting more, especially when it comes to my relationship. It makes me feel pathetic. Needy. Like that girlfriend. And I am not that girlfriend. EXCEPT I WAS SOOO THAT GIRLFRIEND. For the past month or so we have really been working on finding that long-distance communication “sweet spot” that works for both of us. We have come a long way and have both made a lot of compromises. He has truly been making a huge effort, and continues to. We are far from perfect, but we are definitely making progress. So you must be thinking, progress not perfection, yea? Not for this girl. More! Now!
So rather than talking about it rationally and keeping it a calm, open part of our ongoing conversation, I stuff it down inside as much as possible—because again, I don’t want to be that girlfriend—and then I Blow. The. Ef. Up. I don’t even remember what the catalyst was this time—that is a total lie; I absolutely do. Brian unexpectedly got off work early and didn’t choose to spend his free Friday afternoon loving on his girlfriend. Oh my gosh. I am seriously so embarrassed even admitting this. No, I’m not. This is life. I am learning lessons! Boom. So I basically start out whining, then crying, then kinda yelling/crying, then more whining and some super ridiculous texts I’m not proud of. This was the worst fight we’d had/I’d started in as long as I can remember. Go, me!
Fast-forward too many hours, many wise words and some Buddhist principles later and I am incredibly humbled and stronger because of it, albeit still cringing at the thought of my manic behavior. Do you ever have a rough day and someone says, “Just be grateful for what you do have,” and you kinda sorta want to stab pencils in your ears or at the least, and I say this with love, punch them in the face? Well I do. So I was pretty stoked when my life coach didn’t tell me that.
She said only can we truly feel gratitude when we acknowledge and express our feelings and emotions first. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more; I just need to honor the truth that I do and let that be OK. Then I can also—not instead of—be grateful for the reality of what I do have. It’s not either/or; we just have to find a healthy means of expression for this desire for more/better/different. A Path with Heart says that if we try to suppress a feeling or emotion that we don’t like or label as “bad,” it’s going to come out even bigger in a different way. It could be as dangerous as a major health issue, or like me, an emotional shit storm that can severely damage a relationship. So moving forward, I will choose to have patience for our progress and trust that we are making strides in our own way. And I will share my desires for “more” with my journal or a select few, refraining from emotionally shitting all over the very place I’m looking for love.
I absolutely love the Buddhist philosophy of nonattachment. Don’t attach yourself to anything, but embrace everything. Don’t judge, accept or reject…anything. Freedom is our capacity to work with anything that arises, and transform it into compassion for ourselves and others. I have since chosen to take this as an opportunity to have compassion for Brian, myself and those who, like me, struggle with wanting more—or less, or this, or that. Those who struggle living in that space of acceptance for life just as it is, the place my life coach calls “enoughness.” And finally, I invite you to, as Jack Kornfield says, “take the one seat.”
Imagine you go into an empty room and put one chair in the middle. You open all the doors and windows and you take that one seat in the center of the room. You witness all sorts of people, scenes, stories, emotions and temptations coming in and out of the doors and windows—every single thing you can imagine. Your only job?
“To stay in your seat.”
And because he deserves a medal for so graciously putting up with my compulsive “moreness” syndrome, I present to you my Lover, best friend and world-class Shit Storm Survivor…
