I GET JEALOUS. There. I said it. Wow…I feel better already. It’s amazing how just putting voice to something takes away so much of its power. I don’t know why jealousy is such a hard thing to admit, but it is. For me at least. So now that I’ve gone ahead and outed myself, I may as well spill all the beans. Let’s do this.
I’ve been jealous of your perfect body. That someone could quite literally bounce a quarter off your beautifully bubbly ass. That you are so unbelievably gorgeous that you probably fart butterflies. I have been jealous of your career. That you seem to absolutely love your job and most likely bring home bags of money that can barely fit through the front door of your massive, impeccable house. I’ve been jealous of your courage. That you believe in yourself enough to put all your eggs in your own awesome basket and start a business. I’ve been jealous of your creativity. That there seems to be talent, passion and ideas oozing from your prized pores 24 hours a day. I’ve been jealous. And I still get jealous sometimes. And it doesn’t feel very good.
I used to do one of three things when these uncomfortable feelings would arise:
1) I would hide. I couldn’t even bear the thought of looking at your “perfect” life compared to my terribly imperfect one. I would hide posts. Unfollow friends. Avoid topics, people, places. I just. Couldn’t. Handle it.
2) I would pretend. Now this is probably the noblest of the three as I was really trying to be happy for you. I would say, “Congratulations!” Or, “Wow, you look amazing!” Don’t get me wrong; I think I meant it when I said it, but mostly I was just trying to mask the jealousy that had me feeling so ashamed. On many occasions I remember tightly closing my eyes and asking God/Spirit/The Powers That Be to help me find a way to truly be happy for you. I wanted to be happy for you.
Or, and the very worst of the worst…
3) I would just get mean. Never actually to your face, of course, but absolutely inside my own head. I would pick apart your perfect body. I would tell myself that you were probably secretly unhappy or that your courage was arrogant. Now this never made me feel any better, but at least it allowed me to make it about you…and not about me.
Jealousy used to scare the shit out of me. It used to make me feel so yucky, alone, cruel…even evil. I felt helpless and incredibly ashamed about my thoughts. I couldn’t control it, and I couldn’t get away from it. I was screwed.
And then I met my shadow.
I had heard about shadow work before but had never really given it much thought. And it wasn’t until this past year that I started learning about it and then seeing it pop up in books all over the place. Our shadow is basically the part of our personality that we repress because it conflicts with how we want to see ourselves. As it doesn’t have a place within our own self-image, we cast it away to our “shadow” and tell ourselves it doesn’t exist. Now I could probably write a book about my battle with my shadow, but for now let’s stick with jealousy. (Ya know those adorable videos of little kids screaming and crying as they run from their own shadows?! Yup, that was me. Metaphorically, of course.)
Clearly I did not want to be a jealous person. I mean…ew. No thanks. So I ignored it, tried to turn it into something else, or just became a straight-up b*tch about it. But it was always there. And as I began to learn more and more about this so-called shadow, I came to understand that in order to grow, we must look at the dark side of ourselves. Because think about it. If you want to get really good at something, whether it’s a sport, job, hobby, whatever, you look at the good and the bad. Where are you really strong? Where can you improve? Imagine if you refused to look at the areas where you needed help; that doesn’t sound like a great plan if you ask me. So if I want to be the purest, most authentic and loving version of myself that I can be—my primary goal in life—then I sure as hell better bring some light to my darkness or I am really screwed.
So rather than continuing to run from my shadow like those terrified little kids, I started to observe it. My life coach always says, “Just noticing.” I love that. Don’t judge it; just notice it. So I sat in the stands and watched my jealousy. Who were the victims of it? What were some common themes? Why did it arouse such strong emotion? For me, in a nutshell: insecurity and cowardice.
If there was something I was insecure about, whether it was my body or my success, for example, I would get jealous. Or, if it was something I was too afraid to do, like break free from the corporate world or put myself out there creatively, again…jealousy. So after much observation, rather than continuing to put different masks over my jealousy, I just started playing with it.
Didn’t like my body? Learn to love my body. Didn’t feel successful? Redefine what success means to me. Want out of the corporate world? GET OUT OF THE CORPORATE WORLD. Afraid of creativity? Just start doing something. But please know that this was not a quick fix and that I continue to push myself in these areas; it was just a new, life-changing way to process my jealousy. I now realize that these were all sign posts, not death traps.
As I learned to love my body, imperfections and all, I looked at others’ with love, compassion and healthy admiration. I know that self-love is not easy, and I now cheer on all those self-lovers out there, and pray for those, like myself, who still struggle. As I redefined what success means to me, I began to see myself in a new light and could authentically celebrate the successes of others. Once I finally left the corporate world and took that scary leap into the unknown, I was blown away by all those brave entrepreneurs who left it all behind to follow their own dreams. And As I began to create and have the courage to share it with others, I became increasingly in awe of and inspired by those who do the same, because I now know how scary it can be.
Unfortunately, our shadow never goes away, whether it’s jealousy, judgment, resentment, rage, etc., etc., etc. Well, maybe fortunately it doesn’t go away, as it is the teacher that lives on inside us forever. So rather than hiding from or masking that icky feeling, let’s embrace it, observe it, play with it and learn from it. Let’s LOVE IT. Ya know how people love to root for the underdog? Let’s root for our own underdog.
Because that...is how we will change the world.
“…there is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection. To round itself out, life calls not for perfection but for completeness; and for this the ‘thorn in the flesh’ is needed, the suffering of defects without which there is no progress and no ascent.” —C.G. Jung