Ugh. Look at that thing—so smug. Thinkin’ it’s all hot sh*t in its big, blank whiteness. I really try to never use the word “hate,” but I hated that piece of paper. I had been staring at it for over an hour and I still hadn’t put a single mark on it. I was completely paralyzed.
The assignment was to create a map of my wildest life dreams. “I am here” on the bottom left corner with my biggest, most exciting dream of all in the top right. And on the space in between, I was to get creative with some different steps I can take, different trainings or education I might need, pictures and arrows that will move me toward my dream. “Have fun with it!” she said. Having spent the past eight months of our work together exploring the depths of my soul, I can see why she thought this might be a fun, refreshing project for me. Ummm…yea, no.
I’m not exactly sure how much time went by before the first tear actually slid down my cheek, but I’m guessing somewhere between 30 seconds and about a minute and a half. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Life Coach/Wisdom Teacher/Spiritual Guide/I-Never-Know-What-To-Call-Her more than anything, but in this moment I was tempted to fake a bad Skype connection and peace the f&%$ out. I had always admired those who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives, but I am not one of those people, and it has always been a major “shame trigger” for me (I promise to not quote Brené Brown in every post!).
I don’t know about you, but for someone like myself who excels in brainstorming, strategizing, planning and executing on someone else’s vision, having spent my entire career working toward greater goals that weren’t mine, this concept was not only completely foreign to me but also very confusing. Here is just a taste of the poison that quickly flooded my headspace: I am not meant to create something of my own. My carefully constructed skill set allows me to support others, helping them achieve their dreams, not mine. I don’t even have any dreams. Oh my God—I DON’T HAVE ANY DREAMS!! That is so depressing. How can a person not have any dreams?! I am a loser. A failure. I can’t do this assignment. W. T. F.
OK; a little background here. I LOVE homework. I am 32 years old and I beg for homework. School, studying, projects, plans. MY. JAM. The thought that I literally could not do this assignment was destroying me. And that, along with the fact that I apparently had zero dreams (read: a lifeless future), had me feeling like I needed to join Dorothy and the gang and head toward the Emerald City in search of a frickin’ dream.
Now, I know I am poking fun at this, but this was NOT at all funny to me. Over the course of two days, I probably cried for a minimum of two and a half hours. I felt so ashamed…so small. I have been truly working my ass off on this intense spiritual path for some time now, feeling more at peace and full of love and faith than I ever have. So, why this? Why now? I felt so defeated. I couldn’t move.
I came clean. Tears streaming down my face during our follow-up Skype call, I tell her that I can’t do it. I am dreamless. She then said something that surprised me. “What if you have ‘you are here’ at the bottom of your map, and then at the top, you just put a picture of a rainbow. And everything else in the middle stays blank…the unknown. Could you be OK with that?” That probably sounds very elementary to some, but the lump in my throat instantly began to dissipate. A rainbow. The unknown. That actually sounds nice.
When we got off the call, I noticed a little pep in my step. I felt lighter. More loving. And I apologized to that poor little girl whom I had so deeply mistreated the days prior. I would say that not even 24 hours passed before I was flooded—and I mead flooded—with plans, visions…dreams. I had scratch paper all over the house as I couldn’t even make it from one room to the next without another new idea for my future. For my rainbow.
My map now looks like a party on paper—no white space here. In fact, I might need another lifetime or two to get it all “done.” Thankfully, it’s all about the journey. It’s funny how effortless something can be when I allow myself to go at my own pace, to be gentle with myself, and to wait for internal guidance rather than treating my life like a “To Do” list. For this eternal “Thinker,” getting out of my head and into my heart is no small feat, but the rewards are unparalleled.
And that Emerald City…was inside me all along.
